3 Years of Pottery But Not a Mug in Sight: The Importance of Being a Beginner … Again

There is something deeply humbling about being a beginner as an adult. Covered from bangs to cuffed ratty jeans in clay, I’ve spent many a pottery class watching the vase I spent 45 minutes working on fly off the wheel in front of me or the glaze on a piece I loved coming out looking rather vomit-ish.

In 2015, I signed up for a wheel pottery class — something I’d never done before. Arriving the first day, it appeared I had hit upon a secret club of other 25-year-old ladies having quarter life crisis as we dawned aprons and spent hours hunched over our wheels waiting for our creations (or perhaps lives?) to take shape.

That first semester, my class included a girl named Laura who took to pottery like a YouTuber takes to a photo op against a wall of fake flowers. From the first class, Laura was making mugs that held their shape, graduating quickly to complex designs like tea pots and casserole dishes with lids while the rest of us stumbled along in the dark creating bowls without bottoms and vases that “purposely” leaned to one side. At 25, I was a beginner beginner again, something I hadn’t been in years. It was a humbling feeling, to say the least. But as I continued to pursue pottery over the next three years — showing up each week to cover myself in mud in the pursuit of making a mug — I realized just how important that feeling was to me.

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Is comparison always harmful?

^^ Photo from one of my favorite artists. ^^

For me, there is a fine, almost invisible, tripwire between admiration and jealously. Often times I don’t even know I’ve crossed between the two until I find myself muttering on the sidewalk such statements as “But she’s so cool and friendly and successful and focused, and I’m so … *waves arms in the air like a deranged mime or cat being forced into a bath.* When it comes to comparing my insides to other’s outsides, rarely do I come out on top. But after reading a recent piece from Inthefrow, I couldn’t help but wonder, is comparison always a bad thing?

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Love is so many, many things

I just heard the best, most wonderful news EVER — Call Me By Your Name is getting a sequel at the end of October and the news has warmed me from the inside-out. If you’ve yet to read the book or see the movie, I envy you because that means you get to enjoy both again for the first time. In both the novel and its adaptation onto film, Love is a lead character along with Oliver and Elio, and written in a way that reminds the reader that love is never just one thing.

When I first moved to the New York City I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was single for the first time in my 20s. Until then, I had felt that when people talked about love, while there were countless types of loving relationships one could have, the ultimate love one was supposed to seek was romantic. It was the creme de la creme, the penthouse suite, the first class of relationships, and the one you were expected to want the most, to work on the most, and to envision defining your future happiness. And to that *hits mic and clears throat* I CALL BS! Hear me out.

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5 Life Lessons I’m Taking Away from “Freestyle Love Supreme”

Walking to dinner at a friend’s house the other night, I came to the realization that New York City is full of a lot of umbrella judgement. Unless it’s raining so hard that Noah’s Arc sent you a text telling you they’re three minutes away, DO NOT open your umbrella. It is like everyone else made a secret pact to muscle through the downpour and give sideways looks to anyone (me) who dares to show up to a social event not looking like they’d just jumped in a pool.

Look New York, life here is already challenging enough. I carry my laundry on my back every couple weeks hoping I don’t drop a sock (or, God forbid, an actual piece of clothing) on the sidewalk because once it’s down, I can never touch it again. So lighten up about the umbrella judgment please.

What a tangent but no, this post isn’t actually about umbrellas or sometimes judgmental New Yorkers or laundry. It is about (believe it or not) the life lessons I’m taking away from Freestyle Love Supreme and having an out-of-the-blue, one-for-the-books, totally-magic New York City night.

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Be Brave Little Bee, Your Own Kind of Brave

The other night I went to a birthday party where the only person I knew was the host. If you’ve been following my writing for a while, you’ve probably picked up on the fact that being the new person walking into any social gathering is my kryptonite. Give me medical emergencies, traveling to communist China, but please don’t invite me to your wedding where I know zero people. My nervousness started as a low hum the week before and each day, the dial would turn up incrementally. By the time Saturday night rolled around, my nerves had grown from ignorable background noise to headlining act at Madison Square Garden. But this time around, I was determined to go come hell or high water — or in reality, come four trains, one Lyft, and three hours of delays.

As you might expect, the party was lovely and after chatting for a couple hours, I was reminded how much I really do love connecting with new people in this city. But perhaps what surprised me the most was that the night left me feeling brave. Like proud-of-myself, call-my-mum-on-the-phone brave. Not because I had done anything particularly courageous on paper, but because I had done something particularly courageous for myself.

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Where all my ladies at? 10 YouTubers I’m deeply obsessed with

I have worked in the world of YouTube since I was 22-years-old. What was supposed to be my first foray into the world of journalism weirdly turned out to be my first stepping stone into an entire career studying digital media.

Yes, I get paid actual money to research YouTube trends and communities. It’s weirdly wonderful, but also proving rather impossible to concisely describe on my LinkedIn. Should you be doubting my credentials as a Doctor of YouTube, here’s a quick walk down memory lane:

My first VidCon in 2013. Yes, I do still own that Walle backpack because I’m an adult with taste.

My staff photo from YouTube Nation taken in 2013? I’m holding the YouTube play button so obviously I.KNOW.YOUTUBE. I just changed this photo after having it as my work email icon for years because I recently realized I don’t look that young anymore.

Here is Earnest and I with the YouTube Nation gold play button that is somewhere in the YouTube office in New York. Or in Kevin’s apartment? Which seamlessly leads us into my last point, here is Kevin and I, standing in front a photo of a laser cat, holding shirts about the Shia LaBeouf meme. Enough said.

Some could say that’s a lot of years of studying YouTube and they would be right. It’s useful knowledge if you’re a YouTube Trends Specialist or on a very specific trivia team; and while I can’t seem to remember to ever check the weather, I can talk in-detail about social media’s impact on mental health awareness over the last five years so … invite me to all your parties?

(Just kidding, please don’t, my social anxiety could not handle your party invite.)

I have to admit, the world of YouTube is pretty wild in its capabilities. Through just a simple search you can witness the daily lives of millions of people around the world. Through YouTube, I’ve learned how to take apart and clean air conditioning units, draw greeting cards, bake new recipes, and plan trips. I’ve been inspired by other artists talking about their craft, watched people build entire houses with their own two hands, and found community around other individuals grappling with anxiety. It’s a space that has allowed people to share their stories without the necessity of an intermediary and given underrepresented voices a platform to creative content authentic to their experiences. These things are the pillars that keep me excited about the platform — with pioneering creators and the formation of communities being my specific area of interest.

Two work weeks are rarely the same. Sometimes I’ll be studying how interable creators use their channels to dispel taboos around disabilities and dating, and sometimes I’m trying to quantify the influence of how the Popeyes chicken sandwich impacted our platform. It’s a mixed bag which is probably good for my personality because I get restless very quickly in my quest to always be learning.

While at the office it’s vital to remain unbiased and curious in my research, in the outside world (aka the minute I get home and within 35 seconds have my jeans off and yoga pants on) I get to indulge and pick my favorite creators to watch over dinner. Should you be looking for some new interesting, weird, inspiring, or heart-warming creators to follow along with, here are 10 that I’m currently obsessed with below.

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A Change is Gonna Come: A Note on Growth

Perhaps one of the most exciting and terrifying things about being a human is that we’re always changing. From little preferences, like the foods we like or the music we’re obsessed with, to the internal shifts that feel as large as two tectonic plates scrapping past one another, we’re constantly in flux.

Like any good Gemini who often sits on two sides of the same issue, I both love personal growth and am deeply frustrated by it. Why am I not yet the all-knowing, totally-in-tune-with-my-soul, best version of myself yet? Why do I still have days when I feel unmotivated and directionless despite having 1000 to do lists scatters around my apartment? And why do I still criticize myself for being a normal human who sometimes just needs to watch The Great British Bakeoff after work on a Tuesday?

Gone are the days where gold stars and charts can accurately measure one’s growth, and instead, adulthood has proven to be more of “a time of all the changes that no one can see so did they really happen?” phase of life. Through my early 20s, my life was in a state of constant external change. From moving in and out of many jobs and many cities, I was growing most in my ability to quickly adapt. But now that I’ve been settled in New York City for four and a half years, at the same job and relatively in the same apartment, I’m realizing that my markers for growth have changed from external to internal. Getting my stress under control, learning how to control the impulse to scrutinize myself like a roast chicken inside a pressure cooker, setting up personal boundaries around how and who I spend my time with — the last few years have felt like the growing pains one experiences before taking off into their full potential. And this month, for first time in a while, I feel like all of the work I’ve been doing on myself is beginning to take root and finally, I can see the growth that’s been happening all along.

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Today I am Grateful For

I was originally working on a blog post all about growth and change (spoiler: it’s still coming on Sunday) before realizing what I really wanted to write about was gratitude. For me, today was one of those days where gratitude consumed me from the tips of my toes to the fly aways of my bangs, and once I’d had a taste of it, I just wanted more — and to feel this more often. Walking through the neighborhood, I kept having moments where I’d think, Wow, I can’t believe I get to experience THAT in my life. And then continue walking with a goofy grin plastered onto my face.

One of my favorite YouTube creators Carrie Hope Fletcher recently shared in a blog post that she does a five minute gratitude journal exercise everyday to help her be more present in her life. The prompt goes like this:

  • In the morning, list 3 things you’re grateful for, 3 things you’re going to do to make the day great, and one mantra or affirmation.
  • Then in the evening, listing 3 amazing things that happened today and one thing you would have done to make it even better.

This idea had me curious, I liked the simplicity and positivity of it, so I started doing it in my journal about a month ago. At first I found myself grateful for big concepts (my health, my loved ones, my job to care for my cats) before starting to hit my groove and hone in on the little, daily joys that crop up throughout the day. Taking five minutes to enjoy a fresh black ice tea with mint, getting emails from friends around the world, hitting a deadline that originally intimidated me, arriving early to a friend date and getting 15 extra minutes to read, really feeling myself in a new outfit combination I shopped from my own closet — once I began started looking for joy, it turned out it was everywhere.

Today was one of those rare days when all the stars aligned and I woke up with the first thought, Oh, I GOT THIS. Typically my mornings start with me waking up from a complicated nightmare  — most recently one about an apartment in Taiwan that was also a taco stand on the 35th floor that I got stuck on the balcony of after all the doors and windows turned into birds — and in my confusion, rolling over on a cat who is even less pleased to be woken up in this manner. But today I woke up so grateful to get to be me. It felt like a grounding inside myself that I’ve been working on for a long time and am just this month starting to feel the effects of.

Like anything in life, this feeling ebbs and flows and isn’t always present. Sometimes it gets lost by the time I’m spending on my phone, or frustrations I’m feelings towards a lack of writing motivation, or just the general grind of daily living (especially daily living in New York City). I’m still learning what exactly it means to be me, to be present within myself, and while I have literally no of the answers yet to life’s big questions (besides yes, guac and chips is always a great idea), I do know that tonight, after a day of gratitude, I hope that tomorrow brings the same.

What has been giving you butterflies of joy lately? If it’s also chorizo tacos from the food truck on Union Street, I’ll see you there this weekend.

Things I’m currently absurdly grateful for 

  • Will McPhail‘s Instagram account because it’s a goddamn treat to the world and we probably don’t deserve it.
  • Watching my friend (and amazing writer) Michelle No go on a week-long mountain climb in central Europe. Her daily commentary of the climb/the goats/the meals/the horse confusion is bringing me so much joy.
  • Starting off my fall 2019 wardrobe with the addition of a fox print jumpsuit and flamingo sweater I just ordered for myself on super sale.
  • Staying within my new monthly budget I created (with the help of friends and my mum) and for the first time, hitting a larger savings goal.
  • The giant bowl of homemade popcorn I had yesterday while it was raining and I was snuggled up on the couch watching The Good Place.
  • These Harry Potter ASMR videos are my new productivity hacks. I mean, being serenaded to the sounds of Valentine’s Day at Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop or the Gryffindor common room, HEART LITERALLY BE STILL.
  • My dear friend Zabie is teaching her son Hudson verbal affirmations such as “I am strong” and “I am loved” which he’s started saying and that entire situation gives me all the feels (slash, hope in humanity).
  • My mum showing me each one of her birthday presents over FaceTime which is continuing our family tradition of passing all the cards and gifts around for a group to “oh and ah” at.
  • My Tuesday forest yoga class that both soothes my soul AND makes my muscles burn.
  • My tea from Taiwan still making a delicious ice tea after four years.
  • Growing mint and basil on my fire escape.
  • Having a 15 minute long conversation with Hemingway while writing this. We solved some real problems and now she’s sitting just beyond this laptop asleep.
  • New episodes of the “Great British Bakeoff” coming to Netflix. I just talked to my best friend today and it seems like we’ve both taken the approach of saving it because it feels too precious of a gift just to dive into immediately.
  • Going on two walks today AND calling two of my best friends just to say hello.
  • The Trader Joe’s snickerdoodles that seem to siren call to me all day, everyday.
  • Feeling the sun in Prospect Park during my work break.
  • Making a plan to go and get a lemon bar and walk to the water after work on Thursday, a pre-treat before sitting down to work on a meaty writing submission I’ve been having a hard time motivating myself to tackle. I keep trying to remind myself, there is not “perfect moment” to dive into this thing, it’s just going to be about starting and little by little (or 90 minutes by 90 minutes, thanks New York Times) putting in the work to reach the finish line. Plus the fun can be in the journey, right?
  • Getting excited to paint and make art changes in my apartment that already feels like home.
  • With a lot of work, starting to feel a real sense of grounding in myself and my recent push to start doing more things outside of my comfort zone. That was probably the thing I felt most proud and grateful for today.

7 Times I Did Something That Scared Me and It Worked Out, and 7 Times It Really Didn’t

Five years ago I climbed Half Dome in Yosemite. It was long before the Instagram craze of climbing that intrepid peak and without much research, I threw my and a friend’s names into the daily raffle that allows you to climb the dome. Four months later, I found myself gripping the chainlink ladder, hauling myself up wooden plank by wooden plank, trying my very best not to look down.

I’d been running around the hills of Westwood to prepare for the 14 mile hike but beyond that, done very little research about what to expect. The things I knew: It was long (it took us 10+ hours in total), it was steep (turns out it was full of switchbacks and stairs which have you making yourself crazy promises like “I’m going to buy myself that sequined jumpsuit if I survive this”), and that I needed to bring a lot of water (maybe an entire gallon was too much but I wasn’t taking chances).

When I say I climbed to the top of Half Dome, I should say I climbed the top of Half Dome one and a half times. The first time, I made it halfway up before having an anxiety attack and climbing down. Thankfully my hiking buddy convinced me that I’d deeply regret it if I didn’t make it to the top and they were entirely right. Even five years and a cross-country move later, I can still feel the glow that came the minute I reached the peak. It was one of the biggest moments in my life when I did something that terrified me and it totally worked out.

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